And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
- Kahlil Gibran
I first read this poem in the 1970’s, when everyone seemed to be reading passages from The Prophet at weddings. I know I have shared parts of it with my children over the years. It certainly helped Bob and I weather both stormy toddler and teen moments. But the lines which have given us the most strength, and helped shape our family philosophy are:
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
We are not our children, and our children are not us.
I was so glad to see these lines pop up on my Facebook feed the other day. They were part of a post about a school embracing a “no rescue” policy to encourage resilience, independence and responsibility in children.
When you’re preparing for the birth of a baby, you might not think school-age resilience is relevant. But I think it is. It’s all connected. Our children are completely themselves from birth. A newborn is her or her own self, body and soul, and deserves to be given both the rights and responsibilities of a complete person.
Yes, you want to keep your baby safe and fed. But is she here to fulfill your own life goals? Does she share your hobbies? She certainly didn’t ask to have everything come easily. She thrives with freedom of movement, freedom from confinement, a close heartbeat, unconditional love. As she grows and develops enough to reach for a toy, she reaches, she struggles. She needs to feel that frustration. Allow time for her to experience a challenge. This is the baby version of the “no rescue” policy. Just watch the exhilaration when she finally rolls over and reaches the toy all on her own! This is the same pride she will feel when she remembers to take her lunch to school or deals with a school problem on her own.
Can you see how this “no rescue” policy might also apply to birth?
If there are challenges in the labour, we often blame ourselves. But many people believe that the birth experience is more an expression of the child’s personality. There is certainly a dance between you both, but your child is an separate being.
I often say that each labour teaches us everything we need to know so we can be the best parents for this. particular. child. It often isn’t easy, there are challenges. We just need to meet the challenges with resilience, independence and responsibility. “No rescue” is what our babies might be teaching us.
So…is there a poem or essay or book that helped to shape your own family philosophy?